Skyfarer Cloud

Life Change

zen

My life between 2011 and 2013 was full of change. We moved from my lifelong home of Florida, to Louisville, KY in 2011. We still owned a house in Florida that was upside down due to the economy. It was rented out and had been abandoned and destroyed by tenants. My dad’s mental health was declining, he was no longer the dad I new for 40 years prior. Then in 2013, my current wife decided to end the marriage.

I worked from home since moving to Louisville, so I had no real friends in town, and suddenly found myself alone, and lonely. I was accused of terrible things in my marriage, things I would never have believed I was capable of. I heard rumors of my wife’s behavior at work that shocked me. Was I going crazy? I believed that I was. I started to believe that I was a broken man who needed professional help.

I asked people for recommendations on therapists, I was determined that I needed to fix myself so that I could be a good father to my daughters.
After years of therapy, I learned that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t a terrible person. I learned that I had many improvements to make, but that I wasn’t an abusive person by any stretch of the imagination. I learned that I was worthy and deserving of love. I learned that I could have a normal, healthy relationship with a woman, that I was a good father and a good man. I was insecure, and thus controlling, arrogant and thus dismissive. I dismantled these behaviors and learned about myself.

Once I began to put the pieces of my life together again, I decided that it’s a good time to take a break from Christianity, and do some exploration. I had nothing of my old self left, nothing to lose, why not explore and see if I end up back in the Christian fold? This is how a fascinating journey of learning and discovery began. It’s been the happiest, most satisfying chapter of my life. Still traumatic things have happened to me since. As I type this, I’m in the midst of a depressing and stressful situation with my ex involving lawyers. It sucks. Yet, I feel mostly at ease. The coping strategies I’ve learned over the years have been life saving.